TUFACE SYNDROME

Published April 21, 2013 by mandi2ude

Glamzers, I haven’t written in a while, I guess I have been in a funk and it’s such a blur right now,(sue me) fyi I have the right to be in a world of my own and when am in my own personal space, ideas, thoughts, conclusions and stuff run through me. It runs so fast that it leaves me in a daze.

TuFace, 2Face, 2Baba, African legend, A guy with a golden voice, A guy with an original african blend, A guy who can make very beautiful noise without instrumentals,A guy most people jokingly say that his shadow can leave a whole village of women pregnant.*surprised face*. Last month was all about tubaba, blogs, newspapers, twitter, facebook, bbm were all agog with the news, “TUFACE IDIBIA GETS MARRIED TO HIS HEARTHROB,ANNIE MACAULAY” it was a fairy tale, a beautiful love story.

According to some people, a girl who stays with you while you impregnate your whole harem deserves to be the one, some others think she was just too desperate and tuface decided to wife her, others feel tuface just married her out of self pity because she remained loyal to him when others would have kicked him out. Well here is my own theory, there is a difference between what a man wants and what a man needs. Annie stayed loyal to him, she has been with him for like ever, she watched him grow from Innocent Ujah Idibia to Tuface Idibia. She met him when he as nothing and stayed on till he became something.

Most of his other baby mamas were attracted to tuface and maybe not to Innocent. They were after what he was and not what he is. Every man has tons of girls around him, Ŋ☺ man has just one girlfriend, they keep tons of girls because they wanna keep their options open. They browse through each and everyone of these girls especially when the time to settle down approaches.

I spoke with a male friend of mine and he shed a lot of light on it, he is a pharmacist and he told me that back in the days when he just started out as a marketer for his company, the first thing he received was a brand new car and a stipend of 200 thousand, these was just an incentive for him to work hard and meet up with his target. That was the biggest amount of money he had ever laid his hands on. With that amount of money and a new cool sleek ride, he had his pick of any girl he wanted;Fyi he had a girlfriend while he was doing all these. The girls were always around, ready to do anything for him. But like a player you get tired after a while, the game gets old and you start looking for stability, companionship, a wife, a friend, a sister and your own family. That’s when the hard choice comes.

He told me that at a time he got tired and he wanted to settle down. He evaluated all the girls around him, they were all the same. The ones meant for parties, the ones he spent weekends with, the ones he paid their rents and the ones he paid their school fees.. They all collected something from him and never gave anything, there was Ŋ☺ one to ask him, babe how was your day? what are your challenges? did you meet your target? have you eaten? Aww, you are ill, lemme come over and cook for you.

That’s what a man needs. He wants sex and sex and more sex. But he needs love, attention and TLC. When all the girls around him failed woefully and only his school girlfriend passed the test, what do you think happened? He crawled back to her and today they are in a lovey dovey kingdom of happily ever after. What do you think happened to Tuface, Annie, Sunmbo and Pero. Is it possible that tuface evaluated all the girls around him and only Annie could stand the test of time? She may be tacky according to some people, she may not measure up, she is hardly a fashionista, she is hardly the most beautiful woman on earth but she won a game that many Vera Wang clad, christian louboutin clad foot entered into. She won the heart of the man most girls want,(apart from me) and you wanna know how she did it. You think she jazzed him up? Trapped him? Nah, she gave him what he needs and a lil of what he wants. Everyman is suffering from the “TUFACE SYNDROME”

What Else, Locked Down Tight Yo!!

BAD SEX

Published February 21, 2013 by mandi2ude

According †̥☺ Amanda’s Advanced Dictionary, Good Sex is that toe curling, satisfying smile/laughter a man or a woman feels after a good bout of good loving.

I know, I know, most of y’all are wondering what this madt girl wants †̥☺ say. ˚☺k°.. Wait for it… Wait for it…. Wait for it…. BAD SEX! BAD SEX!! BAD SEX!!! It’s not bazaar sales people. Bad sex has been the ultimate deal breaker since the dawn of light. It has ruined so many marriages, relationships and friendships. The only thing worse than a bad wife/ husband is bad sex.

How many times have you heard ‘ I broke up with him/her cos she/he is bad in bed. You think it’s a joke. You don’t know marriages have crashed over this. Sex is serious business, it’s like studying for SAT’s, Degrees, Doctorates and all. You gotta study your partner and know what works with them.

You start from the kissing and work your way down, a man who chews your lips like it’s kpomo will definitely be bad in bed. Come on, it’s my lips and yet you chew it like you haven’t eaten in days.

Some men misplace Hickie as love making, they feel that the more they chew and bite the more you scream and the more their egos inflate. Here is the deal, sexual compatibility, study your partner carefully and find out if bondage and torture sex works for her, that’s the only way you can get away with hickie.

Most girls want the vanilla sex, everything thrown in together. They want a man and a porn star at the same time. One minute you are all manly dishing out directions and the next minute you are whispering sweet nonsense into her ears. That’s the deal yo.

When there is Ŋ☺ foreplay and you just mount her like you mount a stallion and you expect an oscar award for the world’s best lover*smh*. Foreplay is like preparing for an exam, you study every line, read in between the line, peruse the chapters and start intensive study, sex is the exam that lasts for an hour-2 while the foreplay lasted days.

When a man/woman isn’t at the peak of their game, once they can’t satisfy their partner intensively, then the aim has been defeated. So like I say, if he isn’t good then he isn’t worth keeping cos seriously, Ŋ☺ matter how much you like a guy if he isn’t good there then you really don’t have anything †̥☺ look forward †̥☺ .
SAVE A LIFE TODAY. HAVE GOOD SEX*WINKS*

What Else, Locked Down Tight Yo!!

Side Chic

Published February 21, 2013 by mandi2ude

Am sorry am posting this after valentine, but Ŋ☺ worries. That valentine was just a week today won’t deter me from posting this new eye opener. Everyday is valentine if you are in a relationship, there is still the occasional sex, gifts, calls, texts and vacays. No one should stay in a bad relationship, it’s just like bad sex. You have †̥☺ do away with any guy that isn’t in love with you or any guy you have bad sex with, quote me anywhere, you don’t wanna be having bad sex for the rest of your life.
So most chics are side kicks and they don’t even know it, you haven’t noticed it and you prolly don’t know but why will you have a friend like me and I won’t tell you how †̥☺ spot the signs that tells you as a side chic. Well, get a pad and pen. Let’s go.

Signs That You Are A Side Chic.
Labeling: babes, Men love labeling their stuff, they guard their territory jealously, they brand all their cars, clothes and even their women. Hi; these is Amanda, My “girlfriend” not hi, these is Amanda. Amanda what? Amanda your sister? Your cousin? Your bed mate? When your boyfriend goes out with you and he doesn’t label you a girlfriend or whatever you are †̥☺ him, sweetie you don’t need sango †̥☺ tell you that it’s been.

Weekend Trips: so we know that our men like †̥☺ work so that they can provide the essentials for us, we need new weaves, new shoes, clothes, vacays and the works but you will be damned if he works weekends too. You call him monday †̥☺ friday morning and by friday evening his phone is conveniently off, he doesn’t call back till sunday night or early monday morning, sweetie, side chic na your name. He is obviously frolicking with number one babe while you wait and kill yourself for him. And only conclude when this has occurred more than thrice. It’s not a coincidence.

Night Muttering: We all love †̥☺ call our men at night, you know catch up and know how their day went and also let them into ours. You call your man by 11pm when you feel he is settled and all, you dial his number and it rings all 3 times and he doesn’t pick and on the fourth ring, he picks and mutters, lemme call you back. He drops almost immediately, he does that almost every night you call him but he is very loud in the mornings when you call him. If you notice this then I suggest you leave the guy in question cos he is obviously at home with the main babe and your calls are disturbing him.

Forming seriousness: we all like †̥☺ have that talk with our men especially if the relationship is heading leaning 1yr, some months and so on, you both are seated on the couch and you are resting your leg on his laps while he rubs it, and you feel the atmosphere is conducive enough then you raise the question. Babe, what are we doing, where is this relationship headed, what are your short term goals and all. You know those kind of questions that you ask and you want him †̥☺ reassure you that you are on the right track. All of a sudden he starts forming busy, he becomes agitated, he feels trapped, he throws your leg apart and scratches his head or look at you like he is seeing you for the first time. Sweetie, you are a side chic.

I am really sorry if you have noticed any of these signs but incase there are more that I didn’t mention hit me up @ cremedelacremee@yahoo.com

What Else, Locked Down Tight Yo!!

The Tale Of An Uyo Virgin.

Published February 18, 2013 by mandi2ude

I traveled recently †̥☺ a land of soups, you are still not catching my drift! The land of promise! Godswill Akpabio! ˚☺k°, now you know. I traveled †̥☺ Uyo †̥☺ visit my friends and I must say it was a blast.

I left makurdi on a wednesday and †̥☺ my utmost surprise benue links Makurdi have just one bus that plys the Makurdi †̥☺ Uyo route and I was told †̥☺ come the next day but I couldn’t postpone my journey so I decided †̥☺ catch a bus †̥☺ enugu and then connect †̥☺ uyo. It was a long journey tho cos I spent 10 hours sitting down*phew* Ŋ☺ wonder my ass is flatter (crying), well I left makurdi and got †̥☺ enugu by 4pm, got a bus †̥☺ uyo and landed there by 11pm.

I was so hungry I could eat a cow, I didn’t even know where I was going †̥☺ , I could get lost, I was a strange land and my phones were almost off, my dad always warned me bout my nonchalant attitude. I passed obot akara, mind the t cos it’s silent, I hit ikot ekpene but they indigenes pronounce it as ikorekpene, my next stop was uyo, yaay. I was dropped off at the aktc park and I called my friend and she told me †̥☺ pick a cab and come †̥☺ somewhere that sounded like Wine Bar, actually it’s Nwaniba. I was surprised, how can she be living in a wine bar, I hailed a cab man and the first tin he asked me is ‘Abadie’ I stared at him for some seconds cos I didn’t understand a thing.

I told him where I was headed and he smiled and told me my charge, I gladly entered the cab and my journey †̥☺ wine bar(Nwaniba) started. The roads are tarred, street lights everywhere, the streets are so alive with human beings, meat sellers and their goods of roasted chicken and ripe plantain and sauce, keke napeps on the roads and other commercial vehicles. I got †̥☺ my destination in one piece and my friend came out †̥☺ get me.

As a JJC, I looked around in awe cos it was an experience. I love the water fountain that kept pumping water in different shades. The next day being thursday, I was taken †̥☺ a place called tropicana were I watched a movie at an amazing rate of 250 Naira, jeez, where does that happen? Only in Uyo I tell you, I watched the new romantic Comedy flower girl and after which my girlfriend who was celebrating her passing out took me †̥☺ Amazon restaurant and there I encountered night life at it’s fullest, men were seated with the wives and kids and they were celebrating valentine as a family, I think uyo men are huge romantics, don’t ask me how I know tho. We hopped †̥☺ kastruphid from there and we really had a blast. On friday I was all done up and we hit the clubs †̥☺ celebrate hard style, Monty suites is incredible and the club is the ish, I literally danced my shoe sole off. Literally.

On a sunday we visited a fast food place called Sammie’s and I had a hard choice of choosing which soup †̥☺ eat, there was Afang Soup, Edikaikong, Atama Soup, Fisherman Soup, White Soup, ekpankuko. I settled for edika cos it had the most road blocks and It looked delish and after which I watched another movie named English Vinglish. I was loving every bit of it, we hit kastruphid again and we had fun. I passed places like Oron Road, Ewet housing, Housing, Plaza, Central stores, powercity church.

Monday was my last day in uyo and I really wanted †̥☺ sample the local cuisine again so I was taken †̥☺ a place called Mama Put and there I had everything local, FYI ‘Abadie’ means how are you and your reply should be ‘Edeokong’. Which means am fine (I hope I nailed it) if I didn’t pls disregard. Suffice †̥☺ say Uyo is the place †̥☺ be and I had fun cos of the friends that I have and †̥☺ that I say Chidera Olivia Orji and Ezinne Chukwu, thanks for making it worthwhile. I love you guys scarrer and †̥☺ bits. They made uyo a place †̥☺ visit. Look forward †̥☺ visiting the place.

Valentine: A Trip To Wet Heaven

Published February 8, 2013 by mandi2ude

Yaaaay, season of love, I love this season because I love †̥☺ love. It’s a season most girls dream of having it made, when most chics look forward †̥☺ enriching themselves physically, emotionally and financially, they look forward †̥☺ exotic meals, surprises, trips and what have you. And in a case were you don’t do it there is trouble. Guys a piece of advice †̥☺ you all, if you can’t afford †̥☺ buy a girl something on that day then Ŋ☺ one will hold you accountable. If a girl breaks up with you on that day then rejoice my brada, God has just saved you and most especially they believe that this is the season where they find out if they are their boos boo or if their le boo is someone else’s le boo. Side chic or not am rooting for all of ya.

The guys are not left out too, they believe that they are gonna hit some free booty on that day and believe it or not check if they are also their babe’s le boo. What am I saying? The meaning of valentine has been phased out. We Ŋ☺ longer view that lovely day that is meant †̥☺ show love †̥☺ people the same. We now  it as a day meant for strictly fornicating for some people, girls look forward †̥☺ the gifts, the proposals that is if there will be any.

Am not a party pooper but I just wanna burst some bubbles. I have seen so many hype on social medias, jokes have been made concerning it, bc’s have been sent and statuses have been updated. What is really valentine, if the real deal behind valentine was still around how do you think St Valentine will celebrate it.

Can people spend the money (used †̥☺ buy exorbitant gifts that will grant them access into the wet heaven) for charity. There are some very nice charities and NGO’s out there that need support. There is at least a motherless babies home in your state, the church is there, there is a widow on your street who has tons of kids †̥☺ support, there is a brilliant boy who carries your waste basket out and you know he deserves †̥☺ be in school, there is a girl begging for money for an operation, you have tons of staff who have families that depend on them, your mother in the village, the road in your community, the beggars on the street, there is a war in mali, there are some flood victims who are still picking up their lives with little or Ŋ☺ money. The list goes on and on.

Be someone’s boo on the 14th, don’t spend it on a quest †̥☺ the wet heaven.

WHY ARE SOME MEN SUCH MORONS

Published January 23, 2013 by mandi2ude

Yaaaay, 2013!!!!! Am really sorry that I haven’t been updating my blog †̥☺ rant about anything and everything but get ready people. If you are on my contact list you will remember me writing about my system upgrade some days before new year and truly that system upgrade is complete.
Recently I have been doing a lot of surfing,reading and thinking. My newest idol Toke Makinwa has inspired me a lot and she inspired this write up. You all should know fair,petite,classy,gorge and outspoken toke. She talked a lot about traditional dating and I dare say she is right on so many levels.
I detest the modern day relationship, you meet a cute guy and you guys get talking and you are really feeling him on every level, you are literally planning your next date in your head and waiting for him †̥☺ ask for your number, he does ask you but not for your number, he asks for your pin!!!! WTf!!! The moment you give him your pin, you have done half of the work for him, he pings you in the morning and this is how your convo goes.

PING!!!!!!
Good morning babe.
Are you there?
How was your nyt?
What’s up?

That’s how the average relationship in Nigeria goes, pings, more pings and more pings. Some even go as far as pinging so many times.

PING!!!
PING!!!
PING!!!
Are u dia?
Y are u not replying?
Babe, reply na!
Am waiting oo,
Are u snubbing me?
PING!!!
PING!!!
You are rude
What do you take your self for?

Some will just ping and go

PING!!!
Sup?
??
Morning
You don’t want †̥☺ talk abi?
Have a nice day.

They don’t wanna know if your phone was close by, guys, news flash, our lives don’t revolve around bbm.
Whatever happened †̥☺ the traditional phone calls, text messages? Call me old fashioned but I prefer my man calling me †̥☺ tell me how his day went, ask after mine and know my plans for the next day, I prefer him sending me a text at night †̥☺ tell me that he missed me, †̥☺ tell me that he loves me and how he wished he could be with me then. I would even been blown away if he writes me a letter, An ex of mine did write me a love letter once, a scented pink paper with cute red lips on it, he wrote in his own handwriting and signed off at the end, it’s the most romantic gift I have ever received and I still have that letter tucked away in my archive.

Call me old fashioned and you might not be far from the truth. I believe am not speaking only for myself when I say the bbm relationship is nothing †̥☺ write home about, a relationship will last more if it’s not founded and worked on bbm. There is nothing wrong in picking up your phone †̥☺ call that girl that makes your heart beat and talk †̥☺ her for some mins. It’s not a waste of time, it’s good old loving. So call a girl today.

BLOKE WORDS OF WISDOM, OMENA SPEAKS.

Published December 16, 2012 by mandi2ude

OMENA DANIELS can be called many names, metropolitan dude, outspoken, classy et al. But one name that sticks to him is BLOKE. He took to his bbm updates some days ago and he wrote 5 bloke words of wisdom and I went gaga cos he made a lot of sense and they apply to our everyday life decisions I decided to share it with you guys. He wrote em in a bloke..ish way but I will translate it in my typical Amanda way. FYI, OMENA is the editor of Bloke Magazine. It’s his brainchild.
Listen up ladies cos this is where it get complicated. J’adore.(Pardon my french).

5 Bloke Words Of Wisdom.

1. NEVER ASSUME, UNTIL A BLOKE ASKS DIRECTLY,ADDRESSES YOU AS HIS WOMAN,OR INTRODUCES YOU TO HIS FRIENDS AND FAMILY AS HIS GIRLFRIEND,YOU ARE NOT HIS GIRLFRIEND.

Gbam!!! I support this one, assumption is the mother of all failures. How many times have a relationship ended sourly and when you meet one party especially the girl and ask her, she tells you that she assumed that they were dating. Girls, never assume, if you guys are sexting and talking about hooking up or going on dates ask him the question. Don’t get involved with a guy who hasn’t asked you in clear words that he wants you to be his girlfriend. It’s better he calls you old fashioned than you enter into a relationship which you are not sure of. You may be a sleeping buddy for all you know and you are claiming GF. Always watch for the way he introduces you to family and friends. If he introduces you as sweetheart, honey or whatever doesn’t cut it. If he is taking you out for the first time, wait for him to introduce you as his girlfriend. If he doesn’t , loose his number.

2. BLOKES ARE NOT AS CRAFTY AS YOUR GIRLFRIENDS WILL HAVE YOU BELIEVE. SEX IS LIKE CROSSING A FRONTIER, HE EITHER BONDS WITH YOU OR LOOSES HIS ATTRACTION ALTOGETHER.

Yep, I love this part. The S-E-X. It has been a topic of controversy for as long as I can remember. How many times have you heard, lemme have sex with him else he might look someplace else. When you are dating a guy, don’t be so eager to have sex with him. I think it equals waiting for sharwarma to be ready and after 30 mins they wrap it up for you and then you are even tired of eating it you just take it home. SEX is a big deal for most guys and in some cases when they have sex with a girl they have been after for a while they loose the attraction they have for her but in some cases, you bond with the guy, you guys become siamese twins and it works well for you two. The key word here is “Ready” are you ready to have sex? Mentally?physically?emotionally? These are questions you should ask yourself before you guys burn the sheets. So when you have sex with a guy and he pings less, calls less and txts less, sweetie, he is just not that into you.

3. FORGET ALL THEM BLOKES PROFESSING LOVE TO YOU WHILST ASKING YOU OUT, IT’S INFATUATION. A BLOKE ONLY GIVES OUT HIS HEART WHEN HE IS TRULY SURE THAT HE HAS YOURS.

Perfect case scenario, you add a new guy on bbm and before you chat twice he is claiming undying love for you. He probably saw your pics and he wants to get into the honey pot. The heart never lies, you can lie to a thousand friends but you can’t lie to your heart. When you are in sync with a person, your heart will let you know. Guys can never give out their hearts to a girl unless they are in perfect sync. If a guy claims that he loves you without seeing you, sweetie he is infatuated, when he sees you, stays with you for a while and can confidently repeat his love statement then you will know that he truly loves you, but apart from that, you just snagged another warm body.

4. WHILE TALKING ABOUT A PROBLEM MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER, A BLOKE WILL ONLY TALK ABOUT AN ISSUE AFTER INTERNALIZING. YOUR ABILITY TO STAY SILENT BESIDe HIM MAKES YOU A BETTER PARTNER.

Space-Nag-space. It’s different for girls and boys. When we are in trouble, we try to talk it out with our boo, he asks you the problem and even if you don’t wanna talk about it, he coaxes you till you spill. It’s not the same for guys. When they have problems, they carefully vet and vet and still vet then the choose the smaller problems to tell you. They don’t wanna get you worried for reasons best known to them. They process these problems. Maybe they think we are fragile. News flash blokes. When you ask your boo what’s up with him and he tells you it’s nothing he can’t handle just give him the speech of sharing his problems with you, if he refuses ask two more times then let him be. It’s polite. Don’t over nag a guy and make him shout on you. He will open up later. Yeah I know. Am cool like that. It works like a trick. He will appreciate your concern but please let him be a man about it.

5. IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU, A BLOKE WILL STILL LOVE YOU AND CHEAT ON YOU, BECAUSE LOVE AND SEX ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS TO A MAN. FOR A GOOD BLOKE THE DECISION TO BE FAITHFUL IS MADE INSPITE OF WHO HE IS WITH

I don’t like this one so much, but these are Omena’s words not mine so am going along with him just for today. Love and sex. They go hand in hand. Sex is physical, love is emotional. You can’t keep em two apart. Most guys cheat on their babes with other warm bodies and they still claim love for their girlfriends. Cheating is a choice not an option. You can choose not to be promiscuous. Even though omena thinks so, my opinion is if a guy cheats on you with a whora and still claims love for you, babe, match on. You can never go far with a two timing douche bag. He can stay with his new warm body. If you really love your gf please stay with her, no gain in running about. The only result is HIV and staph.

And that’s how Mandy sees it. In my own warped way.

VEX MONEY

Published November 11, 2012 by mandi2ude

So I heard/read the story of the Unilag chic that jumped down a 3 storey building to avoid getting raped. I applaud her bravery like I did Maria Goretti. But here is the catch; why do we girls find ourselves in all these difficult situations? It’s appalling and I don’t even know how to explain it.
According to the story, she was sexting with the dude, he was giving her monetary gifts and she accepted them all, he invited her to a club in Apapa and from there they ended up at his place in 1004 VI. He made his intentions known, dude is probably messed up after some bottles of JD, and he wants the honey pot, the chic decides to be stingy and they get into an argument and she jumps down, broke her pelvis bone and sustained other injuries. Big Question is; What if she had died after she hit the ground?
You are probably wondering where am heading to, chill; don’t get your panties in a twist. What am about to say is VEX MONEY!!!! Vex Money according to Amanda’s Advanced Learners Book is that amount of money that is safely tucked in your wallet, this money can be used to buy yourself out of a boring date, a randy guy and transportation to wherever you are headed. Vex Money covers everything. Your ATM card is good too but raw cash is better.

BENEFITS OF VEX MONEY

: Have you ever visited a guy and in the night he wants you to pay your rent or tithe as the case may be and you refuse, he kicks you out of his house; Vex Money will get you hotel room till you figure out your next plan
: Have you ever gone out with a complete douchebag and he knows you wanna go home but because he has other plans for how he wants the night to play out he doesn’t wanna drop you. Babe, search for your vex money and bike home.
:Have you ever found yourself stranded and you are contemplating calling a friend who will give with one arm and collect with another, vex money will help you out.

:Have you ever visited a potential boyfriend and because you refused to drop, he doesn’t wanna give you your Tfare, Vex money will sort you out.

But we as girls should not abuse the power of vex money, play God and tempt fate. If you don’t like a guy then for chrissakes, do not sext him, don’t sex chat with him. We are all adults, what do you think will happen the day he finally sees you, after you have finished claiming that you will give him the best he ever had. You want him to read the bible with you and sing you a lullaby later. Come on babes, we are all humans, there is a limit to what we can take and endure. Do not cheat / play God. It’s good to be coquettish but to an extent. DO NOT TEASE A MAN TO THE EXTENT THAT HE WILL CONTEMPLATE RAPING YOU. If we all begin to jump down from 3 storey buildings then we won’t have girls no more. That’s how MANDY sees it, you read it first here.

READ TILL YOU GO YO!!!!!

BOOBS&PRETTY FACE

Published November 11, 2012 by mandi2ude

Most people say am a feminist, they are not too far from the truth, the truth is I reek of feminism, I eat it, I drink it, I sleep it. Yes, I am a feminist to the core. I don’t like the chauvinistic attitude of most men, it’s warped and it reeks of ignorance. Do you think it’s easy being a woman,? You think? I know you think so but before you throw the stone at me kindly walk a mile in my shoes, if you survive the day then I will trade places with you.

Do you think it’s easy having boobs?
can you wear a bra for 8-12 hours daily? It’s tightness alone will cut off your air supply.

Do you think it’s easy to have guys wolf whistle at you when you pass by probably cos your boobs are standing out, them making comments like your boyfriend is really enjoying ooo, I wouldn’t mind spending the night with you and other derogatory comments. I think you would die out of shame.

Oh, you think you can handle it? Here is where it gets complex. Can you stand menstrual pains? That mind numbing pain that makes you feel like your intestines are being slashed into two, can you stand the blood flow for 3-5days, a subconscious and mental note not to wear white cos you might just embarrass. Yourself in public, sanitary pants and pads and always going to rest room to change your business.

Can you stand going for a job interview and you know you are over qualified for the job but a randy old man who is old enough to be your father wants a piece of the action, he throws you his motel key and tells you to meet him there by 6pm or else forget the job
.
Can you stand your male colleagues making fun of you that you only got the job cos you are a pretty face and the team has to be balanced. Now you are certainly going cray cray.

Can you stand your boss always peeking into your blouse when he is standing above you, pretending to show you something on your PC cos he wants you to type something for him, he is just feeding his eyes on your boobs, now that makes me skin crawl.

Can you stand illiterate drivers and conductors who can’t observe traffic rules shout at you cos they wanna jump line and head straight to their death, when they come in line to your car, they say ;”I know say na woman dey drive”. Funny.

Can you stand men thinking that your sugar daddy bought you a camry that you saved up money for, they see you looking fly and they say, she is high maintenance, I bet her maga bought the car for her and she is feeling good about herself. Niccur,I pay my own bills and you still can’t do squat for yoself.

Can you carry a belly that won’t let you see your toes for nine months, the whole appetite and craving, the stretch marks, the crankiness that comes with pregnancy. Can you withstand labour pains, that excruciating pain that racks your body, can you push out a human being out of that tiny whole, bet you can’t cos that’s one of the miracles of life.

If you can’t do any of the above, why insult a woman, what gives you the right to judge. Who died and made you God. You can’t value a woman cos you think she is the weaker sex, before you run off your mouth next time, think of where you came out from and carefully evaluate what you are about to say. VALUE A WOMAN TODAY. TREAT HER RIGHT.

READ TILL YOU GO YO!!!!!

SUICIDE LETTERS

Published October 27, 2012 by mandi2ude

Every year, 50% of the world population commit suicide. They take their own lives for reasons best known to them. Life is too short and precious for people to take it by force, no matter the provocation.

I thought of a befitting name and I decided to name it the “SUICIDE LETTERS”. I want you all to feel what each of these characters felt before taking their own lives. It’s the hardest thing to do so I will let you be their judge. Were they right or wrong.

This year has been a very emotional year for me, I have gone through the motions, there has been crying, laughter, joy, sadness, ennui. I have gone through a lot and I still am but one thing that keeps me going is the hope of a better tomorrow, I have faith that things will get better.

Enjoy Suicide Letters and please email me if you have a story to share or contribute to the suicide diaries. @ cremedelacremee@yahoo.com READ THEIR EMOTIONAL STORY BELOW.

READ TILL YOU GO YO!!!!!

PEJU’S LETTER

Published October 27, 2012 by mandi2ude

A sigh escaped her lips the minute she turned the lock of their oniru estate apartment. It was just too much, everything was fresh, it was too raw. She stepped into the apartment and turned on the AC, it was always like this, her body temperature right now could cook a whole cow. She dropped her briefcase on the table, she walked round the house touching everything, these was a ritual she performed everyday after working hours. She walked into the bedroom, took off her clothes and shoes and removed her bra and panties and threw on Ayo’s TM shirt, it is a Bijan shirt. He bought it the last time he traveled to Miami; he even bought the femme version for her, they wore it every friday night when they were in the mood for a lil his & hers.

Her thoughtful Ayo, her sweet Ayo, tears were already dripping from her face when she made her way to her altar and sitting on the mainframe stood the picture of the love of her life. The only man she had ever loved fully and completely. His smiling face was smiling at her, he only had that look when he had something naughty up his sleeves. Surrounding his picture were candles of different shapes and sizes and a hublot wristwatch, his body was never found. She let out a scream and crumpled to the floor, she let tears rack her whole body. She had lost Ayo in the ‘DANA AIR CRASH.’

Peju works with Zenith bank and Ayo worked with a reputable oil and gas company, they met through a friend and before she could say quidditch, they were already dating. Ayo was the best a woman could ask for, he was her father, her brother, confidante, lover and even sister. She found her perfect man and he was everything. Money wasn’t the problem, ayo didn’t mind that she earned her own money, he spoiled her silly every time. If he gets something for himself he would make sure he gets the femme for her, he even went as far as shopping for her undies. He was that sweet, he was so happy the day she told him that she was pregnant, they discussed names, sex, place of birth. He told her that he wanted her to go abroad and have their baby in a birthing pool cos he didn’t want her to go through any pain.

She was at home waiting patiently for Ayo who was in Port harcourt, he was due to fly home that afternoon, they were neck deep into their wedding plans but he had to travel to ph for an urgent business. She could hardly keep her eyes open these days, pregnancy et all. She was asleep when her phone rang and craig david’s unbelievable woke her up, she smiled and picked up her phone, hey baby; she greeted him and she could feel his smile. When are you coming home? He replied her babes, I had to stop over at abuja, I had to pick up some important documents, I could wait for them to Fedex it but am impatient, I need to get started on this. She smiled, that’s her man, always impatient to get a new project going. He told her that he will sleep over and come directly home the next day cos he wanted to see an investor. She kissed him good bye and went to bed.

She fell into a troubled sleep and woke up some hours later, she checked her phone and saw 30 missed calls from her friend Bidemi, crazy girl. She wondered what happened. Maybe she came to their place and she knocked for a long time. She dialled her number and she picked immediately, she shouted at her, check channels immediately, she flicked till she got to channels and saw the caption. DANA PLANE CRASH, she felt goose bumps on her body immediately, she started crying, 119 people on board plus crew, she didn’t know why she crying, maybe her hormones were acting up. She felt sorry for the people who lost their lives. Thank God her Ayo was still in Abuja. She saw a caption that the manifest has been released and she logged in with her bold 5 to check it out in case she knew anyone there. She didn’t make it to the sixth name when she saw AYO MAKINWA (M) on it.

Darkness enveloped her immediately.

READ TILL YOU GO YO!!!!!

BEEN GONE FOR TOO LONG

Published October 25, 2012 by mandi2ude

Hallo darling glamzers, am really sorry for the oath of silence I took concerning my writing; I was in China, I took an oath of silence and I was mediating to the high mountains, (you can now like to die) you know how it is now.
I know most of you are looking forward to killing me but please take a number cos the queue is long, I might even oulive some of you old birds. Any ways I am back with the big bang and I will make sure y’all read till you go yo mandy! Enough is enough, I don’t want y’all to go cray cray, but I will be giving you some level 2 stuff. Stay tuned and as usual mandy has gat yo 6.

GUYS EVERY GIRL SHOULD AVOID

Published October 25, 2012 by mandi2ude

So when you have the number of sisters and girlfriends that I have, you learn one or two things from them. In this case I have learnt a whole encyclopedia. Guys are not the only ones that discuss their girlfriends, girls do it too but ours is hotter because we discuss the kinds that you shouldn’t be seen in public with talk more of dating. Have a fun read as I outline the guys every girl should avoid.

THE OVER-SIZED EGO
You know human beings are built differently, both male and female but there are some men with over sized ego, am not saying that good old ego is not good, it is but make sure you have it in the right quantity. Every good girl should avoid that guy that sees every thing as an insult, you can’t have an intellectual conversation with him cos everything you say is kinda an insult to him. He reduces your blood pressure and we all know that’s a rare disease.

THE GOD COMPLEX
Wow, these are the WOW(Worst of the Worst) these guys can literally make everyday seem like a torment for you. The guys with the God complex are the ones that never call cos they are always “super busy” they give little significance to you and when you try to complain they tell you that it’s hard being them, that theu had tons of work in the office, that they had to coordinate every other person at work. They attach undue importance to themselves and they give off the vibes that whatever you do is not half as important as theirs. I suggest that you ditch such a guy cos your future with him looks bleak.

THE BRAGGARDS
So I just got an LV footwear for 20k, I booked my flight to Sa, First class things babe, I am getting the new iphone 5 cos I am tired of my iphone 4, I bought an ipad on line and they will deliver it to me today, I just bought a table for 1mill to watch rozay perform live. WHO ASKED YOU?????? Big question. The braggards make you want everything and they never give anything back. He is the kind that tells you to change your hair that it’s almost 3 months old without giving you the money to make a new one. Being in a relationship with a braggart is a drag cos they are degree holders in pull her down(PHD) . They are all mouth and no action. They are the ones that keep telling you that you know money is not the problem. Being in a relationship with them increases your blood pressure.

THE SILENT BURNER
So I think these ones are the worst of the lot. They are like an ocean, they keep swallowing everything that comes their way, they like knowing every bit and piece of your life, they are inquisitive to a fault and they tell you that they just like being on top of things. They track you incessantly, every move you make is a threat to them, they wanna keep you on a leash, they can even imprison you if they have their way. They are the silent burners, you think they don’t know but they keep tabs of everything and they just look on in silence.

I think I have tackled all of them guys, if you have any one to add, feel free to comment and I will take it into account.

VULNERABility

Published September 19, 2012 by mandi2ude

A dear friend of mine inspired this write up, I hope he has the chance to read it cos I will know if he doesn’t.
My cheerful disposition is one of the first things that attract people to me, my sisters call me miss sunshine cos I have that sunny side which does not ever go bleak. I let everyone into my life and I don’t give up on friends easily, I make a lot of them as I go on and I make sure I leave a footprint in everyone’s lives. My greatest fear on earth apart from snakes, terrorists, sharks and hell fire is “LOVE”, ironic huh? Especially when I call everyone on my contact list love, sweety, sugar, boo.
Everybody on earth has something that scares them and I think “LOVE” ranks as the fifth scare in mine, love is a beautiful thing according to d’banj but it can also hurt you the most when you least expect it. I would rather go through the motions of life without feeling it, it rips you of your ability to think, reason and judge, It makes you biased sometimes and the worst is it makes you ‘VULNERABLE’ when you love, you trust, when you trust you give, when you give you give someone else the power to hurt you and when that someone hurts you, you decide how it’s going to affect you and when you decide how it’s going to affect you, it molds the kind of decisions you make.
We can’t go through life without loving, it’s in our build, you can’t say when you fall in love, no matter how much you run away from it, it always catches up with you one way or another. If God gave us the ability to see what will happen to our loved ones then maybe most of us won’t love anyone. If he had showed me, maybe I wouldn’t have loved my father. That way his death won’t hurt me the way it did, maybe I wouldn’t have loved that boy that hurt me, maybe I wouldn’t have loved that friend that betrayed me and now dines with my enemies. But we did love anyway and that’s the most precious gift in life, it’s more expensive and valuable than money, you can’t buy it cos once it’s not there, it’s not there.
My experiences still won’t hold me back from loving and giving to people what they want from me. I am not too scared to try again, I may be hurt, the scars may still be healing but I know what I want from life and the worst life to live is one that is devoid of “LOVE”. Try again, don’t let your past determine how you live your life else you might miss out on your future and regret will be a shame. If I have an opportunity again I would love harder than I did. Am not too scared to try, you shouldn’t be either. MUCH LOVE

LOCKED DOWN TIGHT YO!!

“BABY MAMAS” TREND OR LIFESTYLE

Published September 5, 2012 by mandi2ude

“Baby Mama” that term means so many things to different people but for we africans and Nigerians when someone is called a baby mama, we know she has dropped at least one or two for a man.

I know this is the jet era, there is blackberry, I phone, Tabs and all. Our internet connection maybe faster and all but one thing will never change and that is our skin which is black. No matter how many tubes of whitenizer you apply, you are still an african. If you like fix five packs of peruvian human hair you will still remain an african, and along with that african skin comes our mentality, our norms and values, our virtues and the way things are supposed to be.

I always come back to my wordpress for blackberry when I feel that something heavy has happened and I need to address the situation. What we have now is a far cry from who we are. Back in the days; when our mothers were still girls, Virginity was the trend. When a man meets his wife for the first time and he breaks her maiden head, he takes a cock to her parents the next day and thank them for raising their child very well. Indians still dress their conjugal bed with white sheets so as to check the girls innocence. There are certain things that are frowned upon in africa, like a woman marrying a man she is elder to(you are not a cougar) or having children for a man she is not married to.

Back in the days when a man knocked you up; he doesn’t need a sooth sayer to tell him to do what is right but these days the reverse is the case. Baby mama trend is in vogue now, nigerian girls are content to have children for men that are not married to them. Some say they are content being with the guy because marriage will change everything. Are you a Fool? What will change apart from your surname, why won’t you treat yourself right? Every woman deserves to have her feet rubbed by that man who got her pregnant. Why are you cheating yourself from the fulfillment of being a married woman cos no matter what your warped mind is telling you, you deserve better and girls go around saying that guys are not treating them right. How can they treat you right when you are content being pregnant without the trimmings.

Annie Macualay was lucky, maybe her ODM(our daily manna)prayers bore fruits for her but she is just 1 out of the others. Lola is pregnant again for Peter okoye without a wedding ring. What is the driving spirit? Is it because he is a star? Are we now a generation of star sluts? Are we selling our goodies to all and sundry because they have a few bills to spare? I am sure she wouldn’t take It from another man, she would demand that he makes an honest woman out of her. I see a lot of pregnant girls without husbands and they convince us that they will get married and I still see them with pregnancy number two and no husband yet. Do what is right, ask for your dues. You were not created for the sole purpose of SEX. God had other plans for you and it comes in stages when people ask; whose child is this? It moves to; who is she married to and it moves to; how many children does she have. Don’t jump the gun, crawl, walk then run. So is baby mamarism a trend or a lifestyle?

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DIFFERENT SHADES OF MY FATHER

Published September 4, 2012 by mandi2ude

Omega, Ozo, Mbamalu, Cosmos, Anaroc, Chief My Father; where do I start from? Is it from the smile that lights up his face when you show him a good result, how his eyes mirrors contentment when he is eating a very delicious native food, his patience when he is trying to correct you over something you did not do well, his smile when he is listening to oliver D’coque, Osadebe or watching pami Udu bonch video, his gait when he is explaining the Nigerian civil war, his seriousness when he is telling you how he missed an opportunity to be in the Nigerian army. There are different shades to my father.
He is a complex human being and one you can please quickly. He detest lies, he would rather you tell him the truth, he is a generous person, he gives without reserve. I remember drinking custard as a child, eating sausages and spaghetti. I guess that’s how I fell in love with spaghetti. He gave me the best of everything, I attended one of the best primary and secondary school. I don’t have any recollection of my father hitting me, he would scold you and it ends there. Whenever my mother tried to frighten you into doing something, my father would talk with you one on one and find out the reason behind your stubbornness.

I was asked to write a tribute for him, I can’t write a tribute for him. I can write a book on the man cosmos Anadobi. His virtues can feel a book and earn me a pulitzer. My father is a neat man, he is so neat that he can wear white for an insane length of time. As a child people called him Jim Nwobodo because he loved baffing up in white, as he got older , he would come to me to button his shirt or help him cuff link his shirt and I will tease him about how old he is. Sometimes he would ask me to dye his hair and I would tell him to leave it to become like Wole Soyinka’s hair. I would go into his room sometimes and search for what I want and take, ranging from ball point pens, diaries, singlets to even his boxers. He knows immediately that I took them whenever he looks for them.

My father stood for the truth no matter who it hurts and most of the time he was called on to mediate quarrels or disputes because people knew they could count on him to say it like he sees it. He can sometimes be a pest, in a good way tho. Whenever you wanna rest that’s when he calls on you to something. He had human consideration, he won’t leave his soup plate empty; there was always one meat for the lucky person who carried the plates out and that made his plate to be in high demand. He had these habit of not eating outside, he would leave the food there and come back home to eat our food. When you ask him ” daddy o’na erihozi nri ebe ahu, he will tell you “ihe ha n’a esi o nri? Ha kpolu kwe maggi white wuha na nri ha kpo ya nri”. The truth is my father is his own person and no one can ever replace him.

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Marriage Chronicles… Tola

Published September 3, 2012 by mandi2ude

Tola felt like dying, she was suffocating, her palms were sweating and a monster headache was raging inside her. Tears were bottled up inside her and she couldn’t keep her eyes open because the pain was too much. She kept trying to suppress her tears and she could feel her heart feeling the impact. Her car AC was blasting cold air on her but she was still hot. She took the next turn which led her directly to her home located at No 13b Giraffe street East Ekulu Estate G.R.A Enugu, her well manicured lawns were staring back at her, her kerbs were so neat you could actually eat anything placed there, it had to be neat because they paid the gardener a fortune for him to keep the house clean, appearances matter a lot especially for her husband Azunna.

She beeped and their gate man opened the gate, she stopped dead in her tracks and couldn’t drive in, her nightmare was staring at her right in the face. Her heart started pounding like if it was going to leap out of her mouth,Mama Azunna was staring at her with contempt, effiong her gate man tapped on her window and she came to and drove into the house. The house she shared with Azunna is a 6 bedroom duplex with an underground packing space. Azunna her husband is the regional manager of GTbank and they met in the university and stayed together through out then. She came down of her car immediately and in a customary yoruba manner she knelt down and greeted her. Mama Nno, kedu ka ndi uno mere? Her ibo was perfect, you would not know she is yoruba unless she told you, she even took an ibo name when she got married to azunna. Mama Azunna just looked at her and sighed and asked her why is my son’s house closed? Tola replied her, mama am sorry I had to run some errands and I didn’t know you were dropping by if not I would have left the house keys with effiong. Mama looked at her and gave her a body check and said to her, “you always have an excuse to give, I have told my son to do away with you but he wouldn’t listen, you are just a waste of time and energy. You just sit at home and consume food, maybe you don’t want to have a child because you don’t want your figure to change. You are just a leaking basket, anything deposited inside you just pours out”.

Tola immediately rushed to the door and opened it, she carried Mama’s bags upstairs and rushed down to the kitchen immediately, she micro waved a plate of egusi soup and made hot garri for mama. She carried it into the dinning and set the place, brought a chilled jug of water and a glass of fresh squeezed orange juice. She went to Mama who was sitting in the living room and told her that her food was ready, while mama went to the dinning, tola went to the room she shared with azunna and took off her clothes, she looked at herself in the mirror which was standing and cried so hard, she cried like if she was being killed, she used a pillow to suppress her tears else someone hears it. On her arms were punctures from different needle sizes which had left their marks on her flawless skin, she hit her belly continuously while crying. She hit it from the pain it caused her, her very flat belly stared at her in mockery. While hitting it she kept on questioning it, Why won’t you accept a child, why won’t you carry a child and make me a complete woman like my mates. Why?

She was on her way back from the fertility clinic where she had gone to try her luck again via a new experiment, she didn’t mind being a guinea pig for any experiment as long as it proved effective. She wanted a child badly, she wanted Azunna to be proud of her, he wasn’t complaining, he is her rock. He supported her in anything she wanted to do but she can’t say the same for mama who mocked her quietly and spoke against her at any opportunity she got. Mama was never in support of their marriage and she always thought she would come around after the wedding and begin to like her but that was just wishful thinking. Mama has tried her possible best to make sure that Azunna took a second wife but he won’t listen to her, her always told her that he is in love with tola and his faith won’t allow him take a second wife , moreover God was the giver of children. Tola was still engrossed in her pain that she didn’t know the time and that Azunna was already inside the room, she was still in her kneeling position with dried tears on her cheeks, they left tracks on her face. Azunna gently knelt down close to her and asked her what the matter was, she was startled and she came to. She told him that her eggs died off so the artificial insemination treatment didn’t work, she said their doctor said everything was in order but she couldn’t understand why she couldn’t conceive a child for him.

Azunna looked at her and asked her;Am I complaining ? She shook her head and her told her then don’t worry. God is the giver of children and as long as we serve him in truth, he would never deny us our own kids. Don’t listen to my mum, I am not taking a second wife and I will never forsake you. I am keeping to my vows which is sacred and I said it to the hearing of God and other witnesses. We shall wait upon the lord for his time is the best. You will be a proud mother someday.

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Marriage Chronicles…EKA

Published September 3, 2012 by mandi2ude

Eka was staring at her face in the mirror, she looked pretty enough and she sighed again and started working furiously on her face, she dappled more powder on her face, she looked and she dappled more and more till she covered her whole face with a perfect finish concealer and her Mac compact powder. She felt satisfied with her looks. She went to her wardrobe pulled out a cashmere long sleeved sweater, a pair of true religion jeans and an hermes silk scarf to match. A marc jacobs dark sun shade completed her looks. She slipped on a flat sandals, picked up her car keys and called out to her son Isaac. She didn’t want to be late, she had to drop him off at school before rushing off to her other errands.

Who ever wore sunshades in the morning by 7am and a dark one for that matter. Her friends would have a field day if they see her in what the would call fashion blunder. They wouldn’t understand that she had her reasons. She dropped isaac off and promised to be back by 2pm to pick him up. She collected her husband’s dry cleaned clothes and headed to her mother’s house, she wouldn’t want her mom to see her in these state but she didn’t have an option because her mom called her and according to her it was urgent. She drove into their family house and parked her car. She went inside and hugged her mother instantly, she held on a little bit tight. Her mother held her away and looked at her. They sat down, her mother took off her sunshade and asked her; He hit you again? Ola hit you again…. Ekaete, Ekaete.. Leave ola and come back home before he kills you. I am still alive and I will support you and isaac. Ola will kill you for me. Infact we are going home together because I am going to give him a piece of my mind, since he likes hitting women he will beat the both of us today. Eka was looking at her mom, tears were running down her face, her concealer was coming off fast and her bruises were stark against her face. Purple bruises stood out on her fair face, Her face was just a rainbow of colors, she pleaded with her mom, mama please let him be. A woman does not leave her home because she is facing difficult times. I will stand strong and protect my own. Her mom looked at her, Eka I was the one who told you that and I am telling you now to leave him alone.
Mama please if you want me to leave here now and never come back ,I will . Her mother took her hands into hers and told her to stay a while. Eka didn’t know when it struck 2pm and was heading to 2:30pm when she suddenly looked up and snatched her car keys off the table. Mama I have to go and pick isaac from school. She ran out immediately, she raced to isaac’s school and on getting there she was told that ola had already picked him up. She was filled with dread and fear of the unknown as she raced home. She beeped and drove into the compound, isaac was sitting inside watching Kids Next door on cartoon network when she asked him where daddy was and he pointed her to the room. Eka climbed upstairs and immediately she opened the door, a heavy slap greeted her face. How dare you leave my son in school till now, how dare you? Ola dragged her into the room, threw her down on the bed and took off his belt. He looked at her and asked her; why do you make me do this everytime, he was flogging her and she just kept suppressing her tears. She pleaded with him but he kept on flogging her till he got tired and he just left the room and went back to the office. Isaac immediately ran into the room and hugged her. Mummy stop crying, Mummy stop crying and she held him tight and kissed him gently on his head, mummy is not crying my baby, something just flew into mummy’s eyes. She held him tightly while the tears ran down her face like an endless river.

Ola her husband of 10yrs had been the sweetest man alive, he was attentive and treated her like a queen. She was formerly a zenith banker till they got married and he asked her to quit her job since he was making enough for the two of them and she did so but his hitting habit developed after the birth of isaac, it was like he couldn’t get enough of it. He beat her for breakfast, lunch and dinner. He threw slaps and hit her at the slightest provocation , he literally raped her whenever he wanted to have sex or slapped her into submission, they were no longer having sex because she was always sore from his beatings. she resorted to heavy concealers to hide her bruises and cuts, she lied almost everyday to people who she ran in the same social circles with but She couldn’t leave her marriage cos she had isaac to look out for, his reasons for beating her; she is yet to know.

LOCKED DOWN TIGHT YO!!

FIFTY SHADES OF FUCKERY

Published September 3, 2012 by mandi2ude

If you have not read the fifty shades Trilogy namely; Fifty shades Of Grey, Fifty shades Darker and Fifty shades Freed then permit me to say you are on a short thing. Fifty shades Trilogy is the best thing that has happened to me after Kama Sutra and Art of Seduction.

Christian Grey, dreamy, hot, sensual, sexual, egoistic, testosterone on legs, sex on legs is your perfect man, he is everything that your boyfriend/man/husband/bedmate is jealous of. He is the kind of boyfriend that makes you question if your next meal is a ticket to an exotic island or country. You can’t help but fall in love with the dude. He exudes sensuality, he has the right amount of everything in the right quantity.

After reading the fifty shades trilogy, I came to the conclusion that the heart wants what the heart wants. It also gave me an insight into modern day relationship, it put everything into perspective. Suffice to say; I had an epiphany while reading the trilogy. In little or no words I can confidently say that your relationship is what you make it. You choose how you will be handled, you choose how your man handles you. A man beats you constantly and you feel you did something wrong to deserve the punishment metted out to you! That’s a big lie, be more like Anastasia, she is everything that you would think Christian will not like but funny enough, she is the only human being who keeps him on a tight leash. She doesn’t wear exotic perfumes and up until the time she met christian, she has never been out of washington Dc where she lives. She is not from any high class family but she made christian fall head over heels in love with her. She had him eating out of her palms. Any thing she found wanting, she told him about it or walked out on him for it. Do not condone any bad treatment in a relationship no matter how in love you think you are. It is hard, YES!!! But it’s for the best.

RELEASE THE INNER GODDESS IN YOU AND LET THE VIXEN IN YOU HAVE A BALL

LOCKED DOWN TIGHT YO!!

Disclaimer

Published August 23, 2012 by mandi2ude

Erotic Diaries & Marriage chronicles are works of fiction. They do not relate to any one either living or dead. The characters are fictitious as well and I am sorry if it relates to anyone of you or your present plight it’s purely coincidence. However it’s extremely didactic and there are tons of lessons to learn from each episode. May the force be with you as you read.

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Marriage Chronicles…..KOME

Published August 23, 2012 by mandi2ude

Kome was sitting in the living room, she was tapping her acrylic french tip nails on a burgundy table while her feet danced to the tune her fingers were producing and after a while she shifted her gaze to a cartier slim gold wristwatch on her left wrist. She wasn’t satisfied with that she started twirling her 24 carat diamond ring placed in a platinum setting on her middle finger. She had already put Chidugam (her 5yr old son) to bed because his excitement had died down after several hours of waiting and he fell asleep. she was calmly waiting for her husband Chimzitere to come home. She had planned everything out, the chocolate was waiting in the freezer, she cooked spaghetti with tender meat soaked in red wine which was cooked to perfection, a bottle of dom perignon was chilling, a cake beside it and her gift was wrapped. The only missing thing was her husband Chimzy.
Today is their sixth wedding anniversary , six years of marriage and she wondered where he was, she rubbed her hand down her vera Wang gown complete with a christian Louboutin shoe. She sighed and went upstairs, it was already 12:00am. She undressed and slipped into her Victoria Secrets teddy and as she was about to slip into the bed she heard chimzy’s car drive in and she stood up instantly, she touched up her face and re packed her peruvian human hair. She looked down on her nightie and shrugged. She stood near the door waiting for him to come inside and even though he was hours late she was happy that he made it home, all her anger vanished into thin air. Immediately he walked in she hugged him by surprise and stepped back like if she had been stung by a bee, she turned started hitting him while screaming at the top of her voice you were with her, on our anniversary chimzy you were with that slut. Chimzy looked her up and down and told her to stop shouting and she replied him; how can I stop shouting; you are reeking of that expensive slut. He laughed for a while and asked her ; what makes you think I was with “HER”? She eye balled him while she slowly walked to the bed, she sat down at the edge and looked at him and in a low voice she said chimzy, are you seriously asking me how? The two of us know that you don’t wear Elizabeth Arden ‘Red Door’ and look at your shirt, you have lipstick smear on it. You didn’t even clean up before leaving her house and you have the gall to ask me how I know. Do you think am daft? He laughed at her and un knotted his tie, he moved to bed and dropped his brief case and he turned back to her and said ; I really don’t have time for your nagging all I want to do is go to bed because I had a hectic day. He turns to wear his jammies and kome who is now crying tells him in a teary voice; you are tired right? After spending all day with her and giving her what is rightfully mine you come home and tell me that you are tired. Do you even know what today is? He doesn’t reply and she goes on, today is our 6th wedding anniversary but I guess you don’t know. What have I done wrong chimzy; please tell me and I will change, what do you want from me, what do you see in other women that you don’t see in me, please tell me for the sake of our son. He stands up angrily and sneers at her; our son? Do you really wanna go there? Kome I asked you for one thing and you couldn’t give it to me. My peace of mind, when you got pregnant I told you to abort that child, that I wasn’t ready for marriage but no my mother talked you into keeping it and you did, you practically roped me to the altar and I did what was right, I gave you and him my name now leave me alone to go on with my life.
Kome runs into the bathroom out of shock, she is crying so hard now, she looks at herself in the mirror while tears are seeping through her waterproof mascara, she flashes back on the last five years when things were still good. She is from a wealthy family and she has never lacked anything be it men or money. She started dating chimzy who hails from a very wealthy family who made their money via their many oil blocks. Her relationship with chidi was based on sexual needs, they satisfied each other when the need to became too powerful ,until her emotions got involved and she approached mother mena, chimzy’s mother who advised her to get pregnant and she did so , her life has never been the same since then as chimzy told her to abort the baby which she refused to and threatened him to the point that he married her. Since then life as she knew it changed. Thrice every year she travels to any country of her choice with chidugam, she never lacks money but she is not at peace. who ever said money was enough in a marriage should step into my shoes. Chimzy sleeps with virtually anything on skirt and his escapades are all over town making her out to be a laughing stock but one thing she has never regretted is having chidugam, he is her light and he is the only thing that consoles her in these hell of a marriage that she is in. Chimzy hardly touches her these days, the other times he did he did so under the influence of alcohol. She is still hoping that he will fall in love with her someday. She comes out of the bathroom and meets him snoring on the bed. She quitely whispers happy anniversary.

LOCKED DOWN TIGHT YO!!

MARRIAGE CHRONICLES……….DO NOT GET MARRIED…….

Published August 19, 2012 by mandi2ude

The Wedding ring is the smallest handcuff ever made by man, choose your partner wisely because it’s a life sentence…. My father will always say Marriage is an entity within an entity, he always told us to choose whomever we wanted to spend forever with wisely because after he gives you out, he doesn’t want to see you back in his house unless you are coming with your husband and kids for a
visit
.
Every girl is eager to get married these days and it’s as if saturdays are coming to an end, but I urge you all to study that man and don’t rush into anything. Marriage is not a relationship were you break up if you don’t like what you are getting. In marriage kids are involved and you need to be wise. I have taken out time to outline do’s and donts .

Do not get married if you are not sure that you wanna be with that particular person, if you are just fulfilling all righteousness, if you feel that you will begin to love your partner later one. It’s not an emotional bank where he/she odes all the paying in and you keep withdrawing.

Do not get married if you know that you don’t like his family, if you can’t stand his mother, if his sister is way too annoying, if his aunt poke noses a lot, if his brother is way too demanding. Don’t delude yourself into thinking that you are married to only him, once he marries you, you will have to deal with his whole family.

Do not get married if you know he can’t pay the bills, love is not enough in marriage, it’s a starting point but it doesn’t put food on the table neither does swag. Schools, hospitals, shoprite &markets don’t have discounts for people in love. Love won’t pay the bills. Get off your lazy behind and start catering for your family. You can’t go to a shop and after shopping you tell the sale girl’ hey we are in love’ and expect her to give you the goods for free.

Do not get married if you are not ready to compromise. It’s all about compromise. You are no longer a one man army. The two of you have come together, always consult your partner before making life altering decisions. If you wanna have the final say then I guess you should stay alone.

Do not get married if you can’t leave your past behind and confide in your partner. The past is like an abandoned mistress, she always comes back knocking, she is like a messy cloth that always turns up even after you have hidden her. It comes calling. Do not spring up rude surprises on your partner, be as open as possible.

Do not get married if you can’t leave that Oh so special bestie who is male for the gilrs and female for the men. If your BFF was so great they two of you should have been married by now. The heart has other functions other than pumping blood , it’s treacherous. Invest all your love and time on your hubby, make him your bestfriend and stay away from single friends because you are no longer on the same pedestal. When you get too close you see yourself making bad choices and mistakes.

Do not get married if you can’t stop your playboy attitude, you can’t stop sowing your wild oats and sharing your goodies to all and sundry. You won’t bring someone’s daughter to your house and continue philandering outside.

Do not get married if you don’t like your hubby’s friends, his friends are a reflection of who he is, if you try to exterminate them and they don’t go then stay off.

Make the wise choice, if you have any doubts about your partner, any at all then discuss it with him. Don’t go carrying it alone because it’s marriage not a relationship.

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EROTIC DIARIES…..69

Published August 14, 2012 by mandi2ude

My name is Chiamanda and I am married ….

After my explosive night with my hubby Obi, I am starting to gain a measure of self confidence, I feel his eyes on me every minute of the day. Like a predator, he is circling round me waiting to jump my bones. Watch out hubby cos our next re-match will be out of these world, I will fuck your brains out and rock your world.

Wow, ever since my encounter with the bible, I freely use words like fuck, dick, cum,pussy, maybe I am branching out. I can’t wait to try 69. I have already read the manual and I know what to do. Obi is going to be thrilled. I have slated it for tonight, I am going to get me some and forgive me for sounding clichéd but he can have all of that anytime. Obi has already taken his bath earlier, he is in our room watching the television while I put on finishing touches to my looks,my sheer see through lace red nightie which makes me look vixen , it came complete with a push up bra, I felt confident in them.

I walked into our well illuminated bedroom and I saw my husband suck in a breath, he could see all my goodies displayed right in front of him, I am the modern day siren. I walk up to him and gently push him back but I am the one who gets down first, he wrestled me to the bed and he told me ‘baby, I want to eat you, I want to feel you against my lips, I want to taste you, I want to feel you writhing in ecstasy and delight, he was matching his words with hand strokes, he touched my already swollen breast and kept circling his middle finger till he almost got to my nipple, I was praying so hard for him to touch it and he kept on massaging my mound, after an eternity he touched my nipples and I felt my self give way, I was wet all over and we haven’t even started on the main course, we were still at entree, my hair spiked, he was rubbing my breasts through my vixen lingerie, he put his tongue and sucked my nipple through the lingerie, I felt tingly all over my core, he traced his way through my lingerie, he got to my navel and thumbed it and he went down, I was waiting for him to get to my pussy, but he by passed it and went straight to my laps, he rubbed my inner laps and squeezed my laps , he gently touched my mounds and he made no attempt to touch my clits which was already on fire, I could feel my juice seeping out, I was mighty wet. When he looked me in the face my eyes were partly closed.

He stood up for a while and I moaned in protest, he gently told me to hush. He went downstairs and came back up with a box of chocolate and he told me to stand up. WTF dude, I am so wet waiting for you to fuck my brains out and you wanna feed me chocolates, like seriously. I stood up and he opened a bar and ate out of it and asked me to kiss him which I did. The chocolate was already melted and I had to use my tongue if I wanted some, it was highly erotic I was getting into it and I felt him raise my legs and slip his hands into my already wet tight pussy , he went straight to my clits and brushed it for the very first time. My legs were shaking, I couldn’t stand anymore cos they were turning to jelly, he gently moved me back to bed and told me’ babe, I don’t bite, only in a good way’. He laid me back gently and before I could say a word, he tore my nightie, I wasn’t worried I could get tons of em.

He spread my legs apart and gently rubbed me with his whole palm like if he was measuring the width of my pussy, he flicked his thumb and spread apart my pussy lips and he sucked me , I felt all of my senses flee with the wind, obi was sucking me like he would naturally kiss me, he twirled his tongue inside my very core and he started thrusting in and out, he was fucking me with his tongue and it felt so damn good. He got up and he started kissing me he said babe, can you taste you on my lips? That is all you, he moved to my breasts and sucked them so hard,they were tingly and swollen, he traced his way back with his tongue, he didn’t leave anywhere untouched and when he finally got down to my pussy, I was writhing in ecstasy. I tried to hold his head in place but he imprisoned my arms and I couldn’t close my legs cos his head was already there. He started sucking me again and he got to my clits, he flicked his tongue over it, blew cool air on it and flicked his tongue again, he kept licking and I was moaning to the high heavens, I was muttering his name, he asked me what do you want? and I said go faster; he chuckled and immediately he started moving his head , he was sucking me and he let go of my imprisoned arms, I held on tight to the bed post, he was fingering me with his fingers and at the same time he was sucking me. His mouth was on my clits while his fingers were inside my pussy, I could feel tension coming on, a beautiful, painful yet unique feeling was spreading all over me,It started from my toes; my legs were convulsing, I was shaking, I didn’t wanna let go and I was screaming his name, he said’ babe let go, it’s a beautiful feeling, I will be here to catch you should in case you fall’ he went back to his business, he was sucking me so hard and I felt that sensation get to my head .I tried to close my legs but he held them firmly apart, the sensation was building, my walls were clamping, my pupils were dilating; and in that moment, I felt my self pouring out like a tap, I was squirting cos I felt my cum dripping to my ass hole.

Obi licked me up gently, he kept on licking and talking against my pussy, when he stood up I noticed his erection and I asked him how I could help because I wasn’t sure if I could take in anything again and he told me sure you can help, spread your legs apart for me. Before I could form a come back reply or tell him how tired I was he was already inside and pumping his way to glorious orgasm. He was so hard, immediately he went in, my pussy walls clamped and held him captive, his thrusts were hard and very fast and I was matching his temp, he whined his waist for a while and continued thrusting in and out of me, he would slip out, rub his already hard tip on my sensitive nub and slip back in again and he kept thrusting. The climax was building again and he felt it too. He told me to wait for him so that we could go together. I didn’t know how possible it would be cos I was already there or at least I thought. He kept thrusting in and out in very powerful strokes then I felt him convulsing, he held onto my hair and he was thrusting so fast and I let myself go and in that moment, we created beautiful magic. Orgasms after he told me, babe, you rock my world. I smiled and told him, we should check out the bath tub………….

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THE EROTIC DIARIES (THE BLOW JOB)

Published August 2, 2012 by mandi2ude

My name is Chimamanda, I am married and I need help, I am in a marital rut and I want out of that rut. Let me give you a brief run down of my sexual orientation, I want fast and nothing kinky, nothing out of my comfort zone.

I visited Nnenna today and she gave me the bible, she went ballistic on me and kept on warning me like if she was giving me a “TOP SECRET” or rather a classified document, to be honest with you the bible is just a notebook with no more than 20 pages, how is these going to help my marriage I thought to my self ; I opened the first page and what assaulted my eyes first was “The Blow Job” I sat down for some minutes to get myself while I perused through these manual which was written in what I would call a scrawl but the writer had a firm grasp and knowledge of english and she seemed to know her onions. She outlined the do’s and don’t ‘s of ” The Blow Job”

Go on your knees
Take the dick(vile word, I would rather call my husband’s essentials his penis) into your mouth

Form an O with your mouth
Think of lollipop

The more saliva you have on, the better for you

Lick gently from base to tip
Suck slowly while working with your hands

Caress the balls while you are sucking

Go harder and increase the pressure of your tongue

Take the whole length into your mouth, if it can get into your throat better for you

Best results
are achieved with a lollipop

I thanked Nnenna who also gave me a few tips, my first port of stop was a lingerie shop, I greeted the sales girl and browsed through her lingeries. I finally picked out a leopard skin bustier with hooker heels, I couldn’t believe I was abandoning my sensible cotton pants for frills of lace and nothing but it felt erotic. I went into the dressing room to test it on and it was a perfect fit, mounds of my breasts shimmered in it, my breasts are my best assets and I felt an inner strength in me. I paid the cashier and left for my house. It was already 4:00 pm, Obi will be back by 6:00pm, that gave me two hours head start. I ran the bath, poured in scented oil and lit my scented candles. I pampered myself in the tub and the oils seeped into my pores, after my shower, I dried up, applied my cream.

5:30pm, I dressed up, tied my bath robe and went downstairs. Thank God I gave my help the day off, I won’t have her witness my insanity. I took out a box of eclairs, took it upstairs, . I placed the box by the night stand and waited………… Some minutes after 6, obi came bouncing up stairs, he came in and greeted me, a peck on my cheek and I asked him to take a bath, while he was in the shower, I put on finishing touches, I took off my bath robe and sprayed my favorite perfume Beyonce Pulse. I was decked out in my leopard skin bustier and hooker heels, my red lips and the perfect aphrodisiac. Obi came out of the bathroom tying a white towel.

He stopped in his tracks and asked me what was wrong, I took charge. I drew him roughly to me and gave him the wettest kiss he has ever had, I gently pushed him down on the bed. I straddled him and took off his towel, I went on my knees and took him into my mouth, he stiffened immediately, I wet my tongue all over his dick and began to suck him gently, I sucked from his base and to the cap which I sucked so hard and heard him gasp and suck in air, he was thrashing around and he kept murmuring sweet nonsense into the air, I remembered the bible again, “the more saliva you have, the better for you” I poured a lot of it on his dick and I licked him up gently, I took his length into my mouth and I licked him like a lollipop, it was growing on me, I was feeling like a pro, I stood up and went to the night stand.

I could feel his eyes on me, I took out an eclairs went down on my knees and smeared him with eclairs, I put the rest into my mouth and I began my licking process, I licked him clean and he continued thrusting in and out of my mouth then I finally took all of him in, I felt his tip at the back of my throat, the pressure was building up and finally he came. Obi deposited his cum into my mouth and I didn’t feel repulsed, the juice inside my mouth belonged to my husband and no one else. I went to wash up. When I came back to the room, we snuggled and he looked deep into my eyes and told me, babe, I don’t wanna ruin the moment but you were the Bomb. Thanks for sharing with me and I felt happy, I now know that lovemaking is all about giving and not taking. If Obi is satisfied, I am.

I can’t wait to read the next page. 69, number or sign

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EROTIC DIARIES (KAMA SUTRA)

Published July 29, 2012 by mandi2ude

My Name is Chimamanda and I am married to the love of my life Obi, we have been married for the past two years and I feel like we are in a marital rut. I don’t think obi feels that way though, he is the best man any woman could ever ask for, he respects me a lot and I guess it comes from the fact that he married me a virgin.

I think it’s safe to call me a sexual stiff cos apart from the occasional missionary style, I don’t participate in any kind of sexual exploit, I think they are way too expressive for me ,maybe it’s because of my sexual orientation. You see the principal of my secondary school, a reverend sister used to tell us then that if a man touches you, you would get pregnant and she didn’t go further to explain to us. Well back to me and obi.

Lately, I feel the passion in our marriage seeping away, for chrissakes we have been married for just two years and it sucks. Obi is a corporate high-flyer and he is a very romantic man at heart,I clearly remember our wedding night, how he took off my clothes and kissed me gently, it was all so romantic, he treated me like if I were a porcelain doll, a china glass that shouldn’t be allowed to touch the floor, he taught me everything I know about lovemaking, my body was his muse and he would have taught me more if I had allowed him. I remember what he wanted to do to me that night, he spread my legs apart and all of a sudden, his head disappeared into my laps, I blush to think about it but I wouldn’t let him go on even if it kinda felt too good to be true.

I need desperate help, I know I am a good wife, I have fed him physically, now I have to do it emotionally, I am pulling out the big guns. I must tie Obi to me again, I want him to fantasize about me while he is at work, I want him to rush home before 6:00 pm, I want him to skip dinner and have me for it rather and later we can nibble on something light after all we have the house to ourselves. I am going to do it, I swear it.

I am going to see my very outspoken and sexually oriented friend Nnenna, her hubby Julian can’t keep his hands off her and they already have three kids so she must be feeding him something that I know nothing about. I want her secret recipe and she has promised to give it to me but she warned me, “mandie you have to keep your mind open”. I am going with an open mind and so should you. The next time you hear from me, I will be armed with the BIBLE.

READERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED AS MATERIAL CONTAINS HIGH END TOXIC WORDINGS…

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EROTIC DIARIES…

Published July 29, 2012 by mandi2ude

I have been thinking for a while now, I just want to diversify my style of writing to something else. So I owe this piece of writing to my alter ego who has a very creative mind which seems to be run wild every other minute. Did I mention dirty too.*winks*
Erotic Diaries or better still the bible contains the most intimate sexual escapades of a former runs girl. The bible is handed down to Amanda who is experiencing sexual stiffness in her marriage. Amanda is in a rut and she needs to revitalize her marriage and the bible comes at a very opportune moment.
Readers discretion is advised as these write up will contain toxic materials, positive outcomes and comments only, if you can’t stand the heat please I advise that you don’t even open the link. Thank you , I urge you to sit back, relax and read the sexual escapades of Amanda and her husband.

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THE ACCIDENTAL BOOBS GRAZE.

Published July 21, 2012 by mandi2ude

I am not an addictive blogger, I always trace my way back to my word press when I have something bothering me or I have an issue to address. I have an issue to address today that’s why I am writing.
So you all know how people say men are always trying to go back to where they came from, well now I am a believer. Men will try every means to get a gal laid, different tactics and techniques come into play and they always feel they are on top of their game.
Being a full figured girl is not an easy task cos them boys are tryna get all up in your grill. The one that sets me off is the pranks they pull just to get a boob graze. I went to ECO bank and I was standing in line, the bank was crowded, the AC wasn’t functioning properly and it was littered with human beings. So I was standing in line , quietly waiting my turn when a guy walks up to me, he wants to get a deposit slip and he keeps on grazing my boobs all in an attempt to get the slip. He does it the first time, I keep a straight face and he does it the second and third time, I angrily snatch his hands away, throw the deposit slip at him. He doesn’t get angry rather he smiles and I look at him like you are just being a kid.
I was still in a daze from his stupidity and lack of scruples when the dude standing directly in front of me starts his own, he keeps on pushing back so that I will think that the line is congested and he has to fall back, but I was sharper than him. Before he could push himself back, I pushed him so hard he would have lost all his teeth on that granite counter, he looked at me and said “Sister You Harsh Oooo” I was like, if I were your sister woulD you be trying to get at my goods? Men sha. I have had all these experiences but yet I still believe and see good in people. Yesterday, my mom sent me on an eRrand; to the market to be precise so I picked a bike and I climbed on, as we continued I noticed that the bike man would go on for a while and rest back on me and I got the feeling that maybe he wasn’t sitting well or rather I wasn’t sitting well. Like if that wasn’t enough, he deliberately fell into every gallop until I caught up his game. I just told him,”Oga slow down” which he did and I said to him, pls drop me. He did so and zoomed off immediately.
When I got home, I connected all the dots and I asked myself, to what extent will men go just to get to the promise land…..

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